My husband.
Thank you for last night.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Shit.
Today, these visually-impaired senior citizens will fulfill a lifelong dream:
To swim with dolphins.
Hey, check this out.
- What is that? - Careful.
That is four years of research.
A technological breakthrough which might just save a life or two.
- What's it for? - A device to prevent...
...the beaching of cetaceans.
- That's whales to you and me. - Cetaceans, huh?
That's a pretty big word for a man-whore.
I'm not a man-whore.
I'm a fish enthusiast.
I stopped man-whoring when I met my wife.
My mom said your wife got eaten on your honeymoon...
...because you tried to feed the sharks.
You tell your mom I was trying to feed the turtles.
Didn't realize there was meat sauce on the lettuce.
Whatever. I bet that thing doesn't even work, you stupid he-bitch.
- Come on, I got it. - Hey, you little bastards.
Give that back! That's not a toy!
That's the one. That's your grandma.
Give me..! Come on! Give me..!
Something seems to be going wrong. I'm not sure what's happening.
I gotcha! I got..!
Hey, everybody. I'm home.
Hi, Kate. I missed you today.
The prototype's almost working.
All it needs is a few minor adjustments.
Wes Takahashi in Malibu, where three blind swimmers are missing.
I hope that man rots in hell!
It was some weird guy. He tried to touch my ball...
- Hello? - Deucey, Deucey, Deucey.
It's your old buddy T.J. Here.
- T.J? - I'm in Amsterdam.
Man, you'd love it here. It's like Disneyland for college students.
You wouldn't believe this.
Why don't you come and let your friend T.J. Show you a good time.
- Oh, that's crazy. I can't. - Look.
It ain't like you got something better to do over there.
Amsterdam is so far away.
Police have just released a sketch of a man wanted for questioning.
Witnesses report he is goofy-looking and probably a virgin.
On the other hand, far away could be good.
Is my wife gonna be okay in there?
- She'll be fine, sir. - All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, Flight 10 from Helsinki is now arriving...
Excuse me. I think there's been a mix-up.
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
That's okay. I always wondered what it felt like to be a white woman.
- Can I borrow it? - Give me that.
Hold on.
All rows now boarding for Amsterdam.
Excuse me.
Okay.
Hey, how many people get to do this on their honeymoon?
You're sure it's safe to feed the turtles?
You have nothing to worry about. I'm a fish expert, remember?
What is that over there?
Oh, that's just some kid with a fin on his back, trying to scare us.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Do you think the hotel would let us swim if there were sharks?
Come on. This is Mexico.
They know what they're doing.
This shirt's gonna be a great icebreaker.
Fuck you, American, you imperialist bastard!
I love America. I love President Bush.
Thank you for bringing democracy to Iraq.
- Shut up! - Oh, shit!
Oh, hello. Sir.
- Is this okay? - You did miss a spot.
Did I get it?
Put some elbow in it.
Sorry, honey.
What's with all these red lights?
I wonder if they know their curtains are open.
Oh, man.
Ahoy there!
Big Deucey in Amsterdam.
Man, get on over here.
Deucey.
- Look at this boat. - Check this out.
You like that?
I couldn't be happier for you.
Come, let me show you my float-crib.
- Okay. - Looking like money.
I'm telling you, you gonna have a good time, man, huh?
Well, it ain't much, but it's home.
It's nice. I like what you've done with it.
Now, if you gotta use the bathroom, lift up the toilet seat.
This is where I live. This is my home.
I don't want nobody pissing on my toilet seat.
What do you think of the float-crib? You feeling it?
T.J., I think you got a bad leak here.
No, no, no. It's just high tide.
Is that what I think it is?
Yeah. I brought Kate.
I really wanna show her a good time, you know?
Maybe buy her a wooden shoe.
Deucey.
Keeping that leg is kind of creepy.
- You gotta move on with your life. - T.J!
Hey, Lil' Kim, what's up?
I no more man-whore. Too much danger.
Excuse us for a moment, Deucey.
Listen up, Lil' Kim.
When your little bony ass had SARS, who got you out of quarantine?
- Go make me some money. - No way!
I take my three inches elsewhere.
So I thought I'd come over here and make a killing.
Got myself a houseboat, some ho's.
The only thing a woman love more than a man-ho...
...is a floating man-ho. - Makes sense.
Then all these man-whore murders started.
My he-bitches got too scared to go to work.
What kind of world do we live in...
...where the streets ain't safe for male prostitutes?
Here's your hashish.
- Enjoy. - Hashish?
- Yeah. - No.
I thought this was a coffee shop.
Let me break it down for you. You're in Amsterdam.
If you want coffee, you go to a café.
If you want marijuana, ganji or some freaky-deaky, you go to a coffee shop.
That's where you is now.
Put that away. Cops. Cops!
Hold it right there.
Now, that joint looks loose. If you want, I'll roll the next one.
Have a good evening, huh?
Oh, don't worry about it, Deucey. This is Amsterdam.
It's perfectly legal over here. You want a hit?
No. I'm not smoking nothing.
Oh, come on, man.
- Deucey don't smoke. - Suit yourself.
Well, well, well, if it ain't Heinz Hummer...
...the gigolo with the most below.
What do you want, T.J? I'm busy.
I wanna introduce you to my friend, Deuce Bigalow.
- He's a gigolo from America. - Hi.
Sometimes you're really funny, T.J.
How much you getting for a Filthy Ramirez these days?
I could get you more.
A Filthy Ramirez? Where have you been?
Nobody pays for that shit anymore.
See you around, T.J.
The Man-whore Awards are coming up.
You wanna win the Golden Boner?
I already won it twice.
Just ask your ex-fiancée.
Man, why you gotta bring up Delisha like that?
I can't believe prostitution's legal here.
Oh, yeah, it's big business. They got a union, dental plan.
Man, if I had a he-bitch like Heinz Hummer...
...put me back in the game.
- Is he that good? - "Is he that good?"
They don't call him "Lord of the Wangs" for nothing.
Man, what I wouldn't give...
For Heinz's wang?
No, I don't want Heinz's wang! I want him as a client.
Hey, man, keep your voice down.
Talking about me wanting Heinz's big juicy wang.
People would think I'm gay.
Now, a pimp's only got one thing in this world:
His reputation.
Here you are, gentlemen. Fresh today.
- What is this? - Spacecake.
- Why do they call it that? - You know...
...it's what the astronauts eat. Like Tang.
I'm starving.
- It's a little dry. - Keep eating. It gets better.
- You sure you don't want any? - No.
Never been high, never gonna be.
This is pretty good cake, though.
Fucking excellent.
You.
Come on in here.
You..? You want me to..?
Yes, you.
- Maybe you can help me. - Really?
I don't want a man who's chiseled and sculpted.
I like soft and weak.
- You do? - I want a man who's unemployed.
And went to a community college.
I am, and I did.
- You know what really turns me on? - What?
Is thinking about him in his tighty whities...
...sitting at his computer...
...and visiting different porn sites...
...and taking the free tour with no intention of ever joining.
I don't have a credit card!
- Kiss my chest. - Okay.
Harder!
- Bite me! - You sure?
Harder! Bite me harder!
Get off of my titty, you doped-up cracker!
No more spacecakes for you.
Hey. I'm sorry about that, T.J. I must have gotten a contact buzz.
What'd I tell you about making me look gay?
Not ten minutes go by and you got your mouth...
...all over my breasteses.
My nipple's ruined!
You're lucky I was born with a spare.
There go one of my ho's.
The old guy in the walker's one of your ho's?
Yeah. Why ain't his ancient ass out there making me my money?
Kaiser! Get your old ass back in the booth!
Deucey, meet me back at the float-crib.
Bitches out here act like they never seen a pimp before.
I raise my hand, they look at it like it's a goddamn croissant. Then:
Feel my pimp hand.
Where's the boat?
Oh. You scared me.
Hey. Do you know who I am?
I am Heinz Hummer. I'm the gigolo with the most below. Okay?
I can give you a Filthy Lopez like you never had before.
I could give you a Cambodian Creamsicle...
...that will make you scream all night. Okay?
But not now because I'm busy. So leave me alone, bitch.
Wait a second. Do I know you?
"New-jizz-fizz...
...ver-bur-ger-king... "?
Heinz.
Man, are you wasted.
I gotcha.
Coming up next, more weather.
What's this?
Hey, Heinz, wake up, check this out.
Holy shit.
Europe just got a little better.
Damn. That old Kaiser's got legs.
- You gotta keep your bitches in line. - Yeah.
- What's he doing here? - I found him passed out in the alley.
I couldn't just leave him there.
I put in a good word for you.
Thanks, Deucey. Much appreciated.
I knew you'd come around.
Oh, shit. Heinz ain't passed out. Heinz is dead.
No. He can't be.
I'm telling you, Heinz is dead. See for yourself.
Watch this.
Maybe he's just a heavy sleeper.
I can't believe you brought a dead man-whore in my home.
- What were you thinking? - I didn't know you could die from pot.
This is no pot-related fatality. This is no ganja accident.
This man was murdered.
The Man-whore Killer did this?
- We gotta call the police. - No, no, no! Hey, hey!
Goddamn, white boy.
You think the police gonna believe a black pimp...
...had nothing to do with a dead prosti-dude in his crib?
Before I toss your dumb ass in the canal, I just wanna say...
...for the record, under T.J.'s management...
...this would have never happened.
I just gotta see what all the fuss was about.
Goddamn!
No wonder Delisha never came back.
That shit's the real Loch Ness monster.
What's over there?
- Look where his hand is. - What the shit is this?
What you looking at? Turn off them damn cameras!
I ain't gay! I was only looking down his pants...
...because I heard his schlong was so big and juicy.
Wait a minute. That didn't sound right.
- Perv! - Give me them damn cameras.
Where is he?
We now interrupt Naked Seinfeld for this special report.
The suspected Man-whore Killer...
... has been spotted on the Prinsengracht Canal...
... attempting to dispose of his latest victim.
- I ain't gay! - The suspected killer...
... has been identified as Tiberius Jefferson Hicks.
- You idiot. - He is still at large...
- ... and extremely... - Hold it!
Hey. Hey, guys! How's it going?
- Where is he? - I don't know.
- Where is he? - I swear I don't know.
Your loyalty is impressive, sir.
You've once been arrested for man-whoring, were you not?
Look, I wasn't really man-whoring...
Please, Mr. Bigalow. I've heard this a thousand times.
You were cold, you were frightened.
He took you under his arm and fed you.
He made you feel sexy.
He told you how to hide money in every orifice.
But your friend is obviously a killer.
T.J.'s not a killer.
If he isn't a murderer...
...then what was he doing checking out a dead man's penis?
I guess he was curious.
He heard it was big and juicy...
...and wanted to see for himself.
A lot of guys do that.
No, they don't.
Okay.
T.J.'s gay.
- Really? - Not normal-gay, but, you know...
...crazy-gay, you know?
Musical-theater-gay.
Is that why he puts lipstick...
...on all his victims?
Wait a minute.
In the alley, I heard someone whistling.
And I saw someone.
A woman...
...in a leopard coat.
People see a lot of crazy things when they're high on spacecake.
There's drugs in spacecake?
Mr. Bigalow, I will find your pimp whether you help me or not.
- T.J., thank God you're here. - How'd you find me?
It's the only chicken and waffle place in Holland.
So a black man's gotta be at a chicken and waffles place?
That's racist.
- But you are here. - Yeah, but figuring it out is racist.
- It's a nice place. - Did you know Holland invented...
...chicken and waffles? - Really?
Before that, you could only get chicken or waffles.
But they were the first to put them together.
Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that.
You do know the Dutch started the slave trade.
Those motherfuckers!
Who let them print this?
Look, we're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone.
I don't give a damn about that. It's the "extremely gay" part.
If I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms.
Get out of jail and become a huge rapper.
But a gay pimp?
- Like, where I'm going? Vermont? - Look, T. J...
...I think I saw the real killer.
It was a woman.
Some she-john went on a he-bitch killing spree...
...because she wasn't satisfied with a Filthy Lopez.
- What's a Filthy Lopez? - Forty bucks. Same as downtown.
All we do is find the she-johns that went out with the dead gigolos.
- One of them is our killer. - Makes sense.
- You gotta get back on the horse. - Horse? What horse?
The man-whore horse.
We gonna use your white ass as bait.
Bait? Look, I'm not man-whoring.
We'll find the killer using your twat-sicle.
Twat-sicle? Gross! No.
Give this to my mama.
Tell her I'm sorry I was a disappointment to her.
Sorry I called her friends in the middle of the night...
...when I was pleasuring myself.
And tell her she don't have to worry anymore about her baby.
Even if I wanted to, how are we gonna find a dead gigolo's customers?
We'll go to the man-whore union. But be careful.
They'll be looking for me.
Meeting of the Royal Order of European Man-whores...
...is now in session.
These are the highest paid he-bitches in Europe.
That? That's Rodrigo. He's from Spain.
He can tie shoelaces with his tongue.
That? That's Enzo. He's Italian.
His nutsack is insured for a million dollars.
- That's 500 grand each. - Check it out.
That's Assapopulus from Greece.
He can actually kiss you with his butthole.
I'd like to never see that.
I'd like to say a few words about our fallen comrade, Heinz Hummer.
Who's the blond guy?
Chadsworth Buckingham. Comes from a long line of ho's.
His great-great-great grandmother gave Henry VIII crabs.
But I know Heinz would like to be remembered for most...
...was being a male prostitute. - Hear, hear.
He was also a supercilious cunt.
- Who's that guy? - Gian-Carlo. Silverback he-bitch.
Heinz Hummer was undercutting all of us.
- What? - Yes.
He was charging the same price for straight sex...
...as he was for a Turkish Snow Cone.
- What? - Oh, yes.
He was also charging the same price for a Belgian Steamer...
...as he was for a Portuguese Breakfast.
As we sow, so shall we reap.
Thank you, Gian-Carlo, for those kind words.
Until this insane killer is apprehended...
...the union is going to institute a new security measure.
This ring locks snugly over your va-guy-na...
...and then communicates directly with a global satellite system.
There are rings of all sizes available, smaller for our Asian members.
Y'all know me.
My name is McManus.
I joined this union some 20-odd years ago for two reasons:
To have intercourse in exchange for cash...
...and two, to protect me rights as a man-whore.
But...
...three years ago...
...when this union told we man-whores...
...that we were to stop having intercourse with underage girls...
...I strongly disagreed.
But I did not stand up.
I'm ashamed to say I stood down!
And then three months later...
...this union told we man-whores...
...that we were to begin washing our private areas between customers.
Our private areas.
And once again, I'm ashamed to report to you gentlemen...
...I stood down!
But now, sir, for what am I to tell my 8-year-old boy...
...when he comes to me and he says:
"Daddy. Daddy.
What's that thing hanging off of your he-pussy?"
How am I to tell him, sir?
Deucey, you can do this.
Due to high demand...
...each member will be only allowed two tickets...
...to this year's Man-whore Awards. - How's it going?
I'm Deuce Bigalow. I'm a gigolo from America.
My friend Tiberius Jefferson is not the Man-whore Killer.
Homo!
Now, I'm convinced that the real killer...
...is a she-john.
Which means any one of you could be next.
Now, there are a couple hundred gigolos in this room.
Now, if we all work together...
...we can find out who the real killer is.
What do you say?
How come you didn't tell them I wasn't gay?
Did you not just see me get thrown through a window?
- What do we do now? - T.J. Has an old friend...
...who just might be able to help us. Come on. Watch your step.
Right this way, please.
Deuce.
Antoine?
- Sit down. - It's good to see you.
It's been a long time.
This is the list from the man-whore union.
It's got all the clients that went out with the dead gigolos.
Awesome!
Please be quiet. I went through a great deal of trouble to get this.
- Sorry. - Now, if you want to compete...
...with the European man-whores...
...you need to learn how to really please a woman.
- I should write some of this down. - Go ahead.
You must be able to pleasure a woman with...
With your...
Pleasure her with..?
Do you want me to try?
All right.
Women really like that?
Man-whore down.
Get the list. It's in his pants.
All right. I think I got it.
Can't a brother stick his hand down another man's pants...
...without setting off the faggot alarm?
Marlene Alsmere. She went out with Diego and Heinz.
What am I gonna do if she tries to kill me?
Distract her with your magic she-nis, I'll look for evidence.
The lipstick and the leopard coat.
All right. Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow. Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.
Hi, I'm Deuce... Biggest lady I've ever seen.
That's a huge bitch.
Hi.
Cute kids. Are they yours?
Those pictures, they come with the frames. I'm unable to have children.
I'm so sorry. That must be very hard for you.
Evidence.
That big ho got food everywhere.
You're a nice man.
Now, take off your clothes.
Don't you wanna talk a little more? You seem very interesting.
Take them off!
"Dutch Bride. "
Baby walk to Mommy.
Come, come.
No! Like baby!
Baby walk to Mommy.
Good baby.
Come to Mommy.
Baby hungry? Want booby?
Baby never eat again.
You like them big hairy balls, don't you?
Bad pussy! Bad pussy!
Hold it!
Hold it right there. Is this truck full of marijuana?
Can't you read the sign?
No unloading pot in the red zone.
Write him up.
- But, sir, it's my daughter's birthday. - Inspector.
She's turning 13. We need all this pot for the party.
Inspector. I got these lipsticks from Marlene Alsmere.
She was a customer of Heinz. She's big and strong.
- She could easily be the killer. - The lipstick the killer uses...
...is a very rare one.
Shimmer Lavender Love number 66. Discontinued in 1984.
But... But...
Sir, I have a list of the women who went out with the murdered gigolos.
- Will you stop doing that? - Will you stop playing these games...
...and tell me where T.J.'s hiding? - T.J.'s innocent.
Oh, don't make me laugh. "T.J.'s innocent. "
Uncle! You forgot your lunch.
That's very nice. Thanks.
- Let me... Let me help you with that. - Thank you.
Excuse me for asking...
...but why did you slap yourself like that?
Promise you won't laugh?
I promise.
I have obsessive compulsive disorder.
I have these little rituals that I can't help doing.
I can't touch doorknobs, I snap my fingers when I see a bus.
And when someone sneezes, I slap myself three times.
I've heard of that. That's not so bad.
I'm sorry. Bells make me do that.
It got me kicked out of school.
It's okay. Everyone's got a few weird habits.
Actually, I've got about 130.
So you're above average.
I mean... I'm Deuce.
I'm Eva.
Is that a Sudanese Sweetlips?
- How did you know? - It's, like, my top-five favorite fish.
They have one here at the aquarium.
I heard this place is incredible.
The doorknob?
I'll get it. Okay.
Thanks. Thank you.
He's beautiful.
That's really good.
Thank you.
Excuse me, but in America they don't allow smoking in aquariums.
Well, in Europe, we don't unilaterally attack a country just to steal their oil.
What?
"What?" Did I offend you? Are you going to shock and awe me?
Maybe you should check my pockets for weapons of mass destruction!
What? I just asked you to put your cigarette out.
And then what is next?
Take wine away from my children?
I put out this cigarette. God bless America.
The nicotine in that cigarette is poisonous.
- So they say. - It could kill every fish in that tank.
Poor little fishy.
Hey. Why are you with that loser?
You have a nice ass.
I think this belongs to you.
You dick!
I would like to take you from behind.
My penis is uncircumcised.
No head.
It's like a torpedo.
- You pig. - Oh, are you tired of swimming?
Did the little fishies not want to play with you?
Fuck off, you Yank!
I'm staying with my uncle for the summer.
Then I go back to art school in Brussels.
Could I take you out for coffee sometime?
You mean like a date?
Well, yeah.
Oh, the siren.
Right. Right. Siren.
Before I can go on a date I have to collect five different colored tulips...
...eat two herring and drink a beer from a wooden shoe.
Well, that sounds doable.
What is it?
The accordion player?
The Smelly Finger Dance.
One cheek at a time.
Hey, guys. I need a quick gigolo fix. What do you say?
I'm judging a sandcastle-building competition this afternoon...
...so I can't help you.
The dog ate my penis.
You don't have to walk me any further. I just work over there.
- I don't mind. - I'm kind of embarrassed of my job.
I'm kind of embarrassed of my job too. What do you do?
Bye, Deuce.
Well, well, well. If it isn't Deuce Not-So-Big-Below.
It's Bigalow.